| When A Heart Breaks - Ben Rector |
[15 Dec 2011|03:46pm] |
For you Dad. Miss you more than you know.
Woke up this morning
And I heard the news
I know the pain of a heartbreak
I don’t have answers
And neither do you
I know the pain of a heartbreak
This isn’t easy
This isn’t clear
And you don’t need Jesus
Til you’re here
Then confusion and the doubts you had
Up and walk away
They walk away
When a heart breaks
I heard the doctor
But what did he say
I knew I was fine about this time yesterday
I don’t need answers
I just need some peace
I just need someone who could help me get some sleep
Who could help me get some sleep
This isn’t easy
This isn’t clear
And you don’t need Jesus
Til you’re here
Then confusion and the doubts you had
Up and walk away
They walk away
When a heart breaks
This isn’t easy
This isn’t clear
And you don’t need Jesus
Til you’re here
Then confusion and the doubts you had
Up and walk away
They walk away
When a heart breaks
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| Trying To Figure Out This Thing Called "Life" |
[10 Oct 2011|02:13pm] |
Journal, I have so much to tell you But let's start here...
HAPPY BIRTHDAY! I can't honestly believe that it's been 10 years (+ 3 days) since I first sat down at the family computer on Blueberry Hill and decided to document my life for the world to read. When I look back and scan my old entries, I can't help but smile at what that 15 year old girl had to say to the masses. Over the past 10 years, this journal has been one of my true confidants. You've been there through the good, the bad and the ugly. You know about my first kiss, graduations, the move to Nashville, the day my dad died, my first job, my first "time", and everything in between. From the bottom of my heart, thank you. You have given me a place to vent, rant, mourn, confide and express joy throughout these 10 years. Here's to another 10 years of growth. Can't wait to look back on this entry years from now and realize how naive I still was at 25...
******************************
Moving on...Let's hit some key points...
1) I have officially turned in written notice to Twin Oaks that I am moving out. For the first time in 3 years, I'm going to have a roommate (again). Alyssa and I are moving into a gorgeous house in Sylvan Park, and I couldn't be more thrilled. This year has brought many changes... new job (IT), new freedom (single), new friends and now, a new house. I think I'm setting myself up for an epic 2012.
2) 1/2 marathon training is going better than I ever expected. I literally am counting down the days to Vegas, truly believing that Team Awesome is going to kick some major ass. More than ever, I want to get a marathon on the books for next year.
3) Been going out a lot recently. Trying to tone it back just a little. Money is tighter than normal, and my body isn't getting any more toned. Hoping a few nights at the gym should solve this problem.
4) I've met quite an array of dating prospects over the last month. It's getting easier and easier to distinguish the men from the boys. I just wish the boys weren't so damn cute... Flashback to Wynonna lyrics "I'm old enough to know better, but too young to resist". That should be my motto. But I'm in no rush to settle down. I haven't had this much fun being single since...well...ever.
5) In general, life is great. I am truly blessed to be surrounded by friends and family who love me. Thank you. You know who you are,
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| Only Rob reads these... |
[02 Sep 2011|01:21pm] |
Hi Rob (as I believe you are the only person who might come across this),
Wednesday night, Matt had to go to the Emergency Room for disorientation and chest pains. Long story short, he's fine. Just dehydrated from all of his exercising and water pill. But at the moment, it was slightly terrifying. I've never seen or heard him cry, and I didn't like it one bit. After he called me, I called Tim to go with me (in case I needed help carrying Matt or strength in numbers getting him to the hospital against his will). It was the first time since the break-up that we've spent any amount of real time together. As much as I didn't like the circumstances surrounding our hangout, I'm extremely glad it happened. It provided the closure we both needed to end that chapter of our lives. I apologized for the way it ended, and I think we're at a good starting point in building up our friendship once again.
In other news, I have a crush. Yes, that's right; I feel like a 12 year old girl. It's all so ridiculously silly, but refreshing. I forgot what it's like to have a crush on someone. That giddy feeling is something I don't often experience anymore. With my past few boyfriends, my love for them grew over time. We were friends first, and because of their personalities, they grew to be more and more attractive over time. Aaron, sadly to say, was probably the first/last boyfriend I was physically attracted to before I got emotionally invested. I forget what it's like to have that raw, carnal desire for someone. Now, like I said... I have a crush, nothing more, nothing less. It may or may not turn into something more. And I'm okay with either. I just like knowing that I am capable of feeling all of the intrinsic passion I thought I'd lost over time.
Update to follow after a possible date tomorrow night...
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| Retrospective |
[18 Aug 2011|09:39pm] |
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Hey Journal, Today was pretty much a day like any other, but for some reason I felt the need to write. Shelton and I went out to lunch today with one of our candidates, and accidentally drove down Music Row on our way back to the office. It's been quite a while since I've driven down 16th, and I was flooded with emotion as I pointed out all of the familiar buildings to my boss. We even stopped at JJ's to grab iced soy mochas (introduced to me by James Slater) and I saw John Goodwin. I didn't say anything because A) I don't think he'd remember me without some explanation, and the sadder reason...B) I don't feel apart of that world anymore. I got back to the office and talked with Patricia and Emily about getting together soon. Then I emailed Abbe to tell her how much I sincerely miss her. I then went to my old Chrysalis soundcloud account to listen to some old demos... Today, I desperately missed my old life. Now, I love my new boss, the job is good, and I'm making a lot more money since I sold out to the man. But I'm not as happy as I was, and it took me three months to realize it. On the positive side, I love that I have almost no stress at work, but more importantly, no stress AFTER work. I remembered how mentally and emotionally draining the music biz can be when Abbe emailed me back. As usual, she's on antidepressants, going to a therapist and generally pissed that BMG won't hire a tape copy person. I remember feeling anxious at Chrysalis, but most of the time it was because I was barely making a living or being threatened with impending unemployment. Now I'm making a decently comfortable living, but I'm not as fulfilled. I'm still holding onto the hope that I can find my place back in the music world making a decent salary. Is that too much to ask for? I'm too young to be this dissatisfied! On a more positive note, I had a great 4 mile run tonight. It was on a treadmill, but I'm counting it. The real test comes Saturday when Alicia and I do 7 miles. Marathon training keeps me focused and keeps my mind on realistic achievements. Tangible results through hard work...something that I am just not finding at work. Maybe one day I can have it all... Enough of my stupid bitching for one night. As always, I realize my problems are mere jokes to the rest of the poverty stricken, warring world. I'm lucky to be alive and to have the most incredible friends, family and God by my side every step of the way. Goodnight and God bless. Posted via LiveJournal app for iPad.
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| Time to get serious |
[16 Aug 2011|09:38am] |
New goals for this fall...
A) Drink Less
B) Don't miss training runs
C) Participate in more outdoor activities
D) Go to church
E) Read
F) Cook more (aka don't eat out)
G) Get new wardrobe before Vegas
H) Save money
The End.
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| So Ridiculously Happy |
[18 Jul 2011|12:54pm] |
Hey Journal,
I just had the most amazing weekend. Life just seems to be getting better and better.
Highlights:
- Riding with the Wisconsin group
- Getting Matt's deck furniture up and running with his parents
- Chuys with the Moores and Ross'
- Barbecue (aka drinkathon) at Patricia's with Abbe, Willie, Patricia and Robin
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| To Do List |
[01 Jul 2011|10:27am] |
Keep smiling. Keep smiling. Keep smiling. Keep smiling. Keep smiling.
Remember to breathe. Deep breath. Smile. You're alive. God is good.
Don't have a panic attack. Listen to anything upbeat. Everything will be alright. Everything is ALWAYS alright.
I love my processes. Works every time.
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| Howdy Y'all |
[03 Jun 2011|11:54am] |
Happy Friday Everyone!
I really now only use this thing to document important moments in my life, so that I can one day look back and say "Oh yeah! THAT happened on THIS DAY because it says so in my journal". I promise to try and write more often (but I doubt I will).
ANYWAY,
Here's the life update:
1) I actually made it through that BMG buyout I was talking about a while back. So it is indeed true. I am a rockstar badass.
2) After establishing by BAMF status, I quit BMG. (They refused to pay me more $$$ and were going to take away my favorite part of my job, so I left)
3) I have a NEW JOB. I now work for an IT Recruiter as his Executive Assistant / Office Manager. It's only week 2, but I like it so far. Long hours and no day drinking, but totally worth it for all the extra $$$ I'm raking in!
4) The BIGGEST news I have to share is this.... I bought my very first motorcycle. And it's not just a typical motorcycle. It's the PERFECT Harley Davidson. I am in love with her. Her name is Sloane Peterson (after Matthew Broderick's costar Mia Sara in my favorite movie, Ferris Bueller's Day Off).
Well, that's all for now folks. Happy Friday!
-Jerz
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| Sweet Dreams |
[09 Apr 2011|11:19pm] |
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Tonight you go home to be with our Father. Please say hi to mine when you get there. Love you always and forever Uncle Tim. You get your wings tonight! Sweet Dreams.
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| Poor Journal, How I've Neglected You |
[06 Dec 2010|02:26pm] |
So I've re-read some older entries today. As I did, a huge smile crept onto my face. It's amazing what a journal is capable of doing. If you ever feel like you haven't grown or changed, read your journal. You'll be amazed by the progress you've made in just a few short years.
I've written private entries a few times this year, but I decided it was time for a public one! (How public is it when no one uses or checks these anymore? Who knows.)
So, here is the simple update.
1) Chrysalis bought S1 Songs in April. I was 1 of 2 people kept worldwide in the acquisition.
2) BMG Rights JUST bought Chrysalis. If I can make it through 2 buyouts in 1 year, I will be the world's most incredible badass. (fingers crossed!)
3) I moved to a 2br 2 bth apartment in August. I just decorated it for Christmas last weekend. It's gorgeous and I love it.
4) I have a boyfriend. I did the whole single for a year thing to get it out of my system, and began dating Tim in July. He makes me happy every single day. My life wouldn't be the same without him. I'm in love.
5) I went to Vegas this year and had the time of my life with my best friends. I plan on doing it again next year.
6) I was lucky enough to visit Freehold this year, and party all night with some of the most wonderful people in the world. Glad to know we're all still able to pick up right where we left off. We've all grown up and are still close. Perfect.
All in all, it's been a pretty fantastic year. And I expect next year to beat it. Woohoo! Hope all is well with you. Merry Christmas and Happy New Year!
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| Lent |
[16 Feb 2010|05:15pm] |
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Hey Journal,
Tomorrow is the beginning of Lent. I'm ready to give something up this year. I've felt a gap growing between me and the Lord that I'm ready to close. For me, Lent is about proving to myself and God that he is my #1. We are forced to live without many things in our lives that we wish we didn't, but Lent is a chance for me to willingly give up something for Him. It's a choice I will struggle with daily. It will not be easy. I will be mocked. People will not understand it.
What am I giving up? ALCOHOL.
I've already heard from people that this is a bad idea for multiple reasons. It's not a good time of year, your birthday is St. Patty's Day, you have company coming into town, etc. To these people I say this: It will NEVER be a good time. And it's not supposed to be easy. Convenience plays no part of this spiritual journey. It's about separating yourself from something that you love and have come to rely on. It's about refocusing on the commitment between my Savior and me. It's about emulating Jesus. He died on the cross for me. The least I can do is prove my devotion by the simple act of fasting. Life is filled with difficult decisions. We make most of them to help ourselves. We are a selfish people. For 40 days, I will not rely on alcohol to be the source of my fun, my stress reliever, or reason to act out. I will rely on the Father who created me. Bring it on Lent!
Matthew 6: 16-18
“And when you fast, do not look gloomy like the hypocrites, for they disfigure their faces that their fasting may be seen by others. Truly, I say to you, they have received their reward. But when you fast, anoint your head and wash your face, that your fasting may not be seen by others but by your Father who is in secret. And your Father who sees in secret will reward you."
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| I'm done. |
[16 Nov 2009|02:08pm] |
I don't write anymore. It makes me sad. I keep more to myself than I ever have before. I thought as I got older, I'd let go of this need to keep it all in, but instead I've delved even deeper into myself.
Some friends are meant to be your friends forever, ie. Kristen, Candie, Mary, Aaron Luke, etc.
Some friends are meant to be flashes. They're there for a reason and not meant to stay. I think I'm beginning to realize more and more who these friends are.
I'm also realizing that being together isn't a loss of individuality. Some battles are worth the fight and some just aren't. I think you are worth the battle. And you might be worth it all the days of my life...
"It's not the end of everything, it's just the end of everything you know"
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| Third Eye Blind - 10/5/09 |
[06 Oct 2009|09:38am] |
Music always deserves an update.
Last night, I went to see Third Eye Blind with Candie at the Cannery Ballroom. It was one of the best shows I have ever seen. 3eb puts on a fantastic show. They also really love their fans, which is evident from every gesture and word. They appreciate us just as much as we appreciate them, and that is something rare and beautiful. Seeing them inside was much different than seeing them outdoors, and they truly are an "indoor" band. I'm glad I could take Candie since she's been having a rough time lately. However, it definitely felt weird and unsettling to see them without Kelsey. I called him and held up my phone a lot, but it wasn't the same. He would have loved the show. I wrote the set-list below with some anecdotes, mainly for my recollection later, but enjoy!
Can You Take Me
Losing A Whole Year
Crystal Baller
Wounded
Sharp Knife
Never Let You Go
Bonfire
Motorcycle Drive-By (AMAZING. Like a youth anthem.)
Water Landing (Stephan's favorite song on the album)
Graduate
One In Ten
Forget Myself (Stephan claimed to have forgotten how to play this. Haha. He played drums, while the band busted out acoustics. INCREDIBLE)
The Background
Dao of St. Paul
Jumper (Brad did a crazy drum solo and the audience sang the guitar part almost the entire time)
Monotov's Private Opera (techno version. Might have been the most awesome part of the show, but that's tough to say definitively. Stephan had glow necklaces, danced around the stage and threw them into the crowd)
Don't Believe A Word (Stephan held the mic out and the power of the crowd screaming "You fuckin' whore, I'll kill you" was immeasurable. WOW)
Semi-Charmed Life - with brief "Must Be The Money" bit.
Encore:
Slow Motion (Stephan came out and just stood there and smiled at the crowd screaming. He walked to the side, brought out his guitar and started playing solo. He made an adorable guilty face at "junky wino creep")
God Of Wine - "The driving song"
Bonfire Reprise (we sang the whoas, then without music, and as they walked off stage. Awesome)
August 11th, 2007 show:
Losing A Whole Year
Crystal Baller
Wounded
Red Summer Sun
Graduate
Bonfire (hadn't been released yet)
Jumper
Never Let You Go
Motorcycle Drive-By
How's It Going To Be
Semi-Charmed Life
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| No Title |
[29 Aug 2009|12:47am] |
I wish I wasn't such a mess sometimes. Some days I'm fine, and I can forget that it happened. I can start over. I can have reckless fun and be 23.
And other days, it crushes me. I wish I was grown up and all this drama was over. I'd have someone there, no matter what. I'd have someone to count on. And my heart would finally be done with this crap. I wish something was permanent. I wish this pressure around my chest would disappear. Giving your whole heart hurts every time, even more than the last time when you swore you'd never do it again.
People always leave.
It's time for me to find God again.
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| Lee |
[26 Aug 2009|01:50pm] |
I miss Lee today. I want to take the day off, throw my pjs on, grab some Yoohoo and watch Gettysburg, Glory, Ferris Bueller, Monkey Shines, etc. After that maybe make bookmarks, bang pots and pans, get lost in the woods, talk about boys fitting in our pockets, and drink in a hot tub.
If any of you see her, please kidnap her, throw her in a box and mail her to Tennessee ASAP. Thank you.
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| You Don't Know Me |
[24 Aug 2009|03:33pm] |
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Hey J,
List of brief updates:
1) I got strep throat last week
2) I had blood drawn for the first time. This greatly saddens me.
3) This past weekend Kate, Peggy, Sarah, and Kathleen came for a visit.
4) On said visit: we cruised on the General Jackson, went line-dancing, and the girls got to ride a motorcycle (Josie of course) for the very first time. I think they had fun. I know I did!
Moving on...
I'm in a good mood today. I was in a good mood yesterday too. Now, it's not like I'm usually in a BAD mood, but my heart feels lighter than it has in the past couple of weeks. I'm not quite sure what's going on, but I feel like I'm letting go a bit; no longer feeling guilty for spending time with friends. I suppose in the back of my mind I keep feeling like I'm neglecting to hang out with Kelsey, and then I have to re-realize that he's not here. I shouldn't feel guilty at all. This was the whole point of breaking it off in the first place. Fresh start for everyone. And only now am I starting to figure it out.
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| What to say... |
[29 Jul 2009|02:22pm] |
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mood |
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Hey Journal,
So I suppose it's time for a public update, eh?
Since I last spoke with you J, a lot has happened. You know that "talk" I was deathly afraid of having? The one I went over and over in my head? It lasted about 5 minutes on a drive from Boscos to the RAAK shack. It wasn't nearly as intense or scary as I had imagined, not half as scary as the actual event itself. Last week I spent every single minute that I could with him, knowing that it would be over in an instant, in a brief hug goodbye. Then it was done.
It's sad when you realize it's actually over. I keep thinking he'll be back soon. He's just on vacation or at work, but none of that's true. He's gone. When I go help Richard and Aaron Luke move on Saturday (which I dread), he won't be there. His room will be empty. Football season will start, Christmas will come and go, Jan. 14th will pass like any other day and he won't be here.
I wish we'd treated each other better. I wish we hadn't taken each other for granted. I wish a lot of things. I don't know what this new future brings, but I'm beginning to be ready. Time to discover that part of me that I've been missing, time to re-discover my faith, and time to open myself to new experiences and new people. Now, I'm not closing this chapter altogether; not just yet. But my book is going to be long and exciting, and if one day I plan on re-visiting some chapters, I just might. Only time will tell, but I plan on having a lot of fun along the way. I'm not done growing up yet and seeing what I'm capable of, and hopefully I like the person that comes out at the end. Bare with me as I figure it all out.
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| P90X |
[06 Jul 2009|11:37am] |
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Hey all,
Hope you had a Happy 4th of July!!! I know I did! Beer with great friends at Big River Brewery + fireworks in the pouring down rain + Taboulis for hookah and philosophical discussion = Great Day!
So, I ordered P90x, and I'm pretty stoked about it. It should be getting here today if all goes right, which means I'll start tomorrow. Matt and I are planning a kick-ass bike trip to Florida in October, so I NEED to be beach ready! I'm even going to do the silly "before" and "after" pictures to keep myself motivated. I always fail when it comes to sticking to a workout plan for long periods of time (except training for the 1/2 marathon), so I'm praying that this time I can keep it up! I'm convinced I can do this. I hear this workout is basically going to rape me, but I'm ready. 90 days from now, I'm going to have the body I've wanted for a long time...
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| MJ |
[25 Jun 2009|06:29pm] |
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Michael Jackson died today. Words can't even express how much he'll be missed.
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